Hi Leaders!
If you’ve ever felt pressure to “relate” to everyone on your team, you’re not alone.
Today’s teams span five generations, multiple cultures, and wildly different communication styles.
And when you’re leading people who don’t look like you, sound like you, or work like you…it’s easy to feel like connection is out of reach.
But here’s the truth: your job isn’t to fake familiarity. It’s to build real trust. And those are two very different things.
Connection Isn’t a Prerequisite for Leadership
Let’s let go of the myth that says leaders have to connect personally in order to lead effectively.
Trying too hard to “relate” can actually backfire. People can feel when it’s forced. That kind of energy makes people shrink, not open up.
Especially if they’re already on high alert for whether or not they belong.
Connection built on curiosity and respect will take you further than any attempt at imitation.
You don’t have to be someone’s peer, sibling, or twin to lead them well.
You just have to create an environment where they can show up fully.
Leadership Across Difference Isn’t About Fitting In → It’s About Standing Up
Think about Coach Boone in Remember the Titans.
He didn’t tiptoe around the players’ differences or try to win them over with charm. He led. He set the standard.
And he made respect and accountability non-negotiable.
That’s what earned trust. Not trying to blend in, but building a culture where everyone knew what was expected and believed in where they were going.
If you’re spending your energy trying to seem relatable, you’re solving the wrong problem. Leadership isn’t about lowering yourself to be accepted.
It’s about rising to the occasion so others can rise with you.
Curiosity Is the Bridge
You don’t need the same background, values, or worldview to build trust.
What you need is curiosity. The kind that drives you to ask, What helps you thrive? What does support look like for you? How can I lead you better?
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
Ask about their goals, not just their to-do list.
Ask about the kind of feedback they find helpful—not just the kind you’re used to giving.
Ask about the work environment where they do their best thinking.
Then do something with the answers. Let your leadership reflect what you’ve learned, not just what you’ve always done.
Equality Isn’t Always Equity
Early in my leadership career, I thought being “fair” meant treating everyone the same.
Same tone. Same delivery. Same process.
But I learned that sameness isn’t always fairness.
And if you want to pull the best out of someone, you need to meet them where they are, not where you’re comfortable.
That doesn’t mean lowering your standards.
It means adjusting your approach. Because leadership isn’t about treating everyone equally, it’s about leading everyone effectively.
This Week’s Challenge: Lead With Curiosity
If you’ve been feeling pressure to connect, let that go.
Instead, choose one person on your team this week and ask:
“What do you need more from me right now?”
“What helps you feel supported and challenged at the same time?”
“How can I lead you more effectively?”
Then close your mouth.
Listen. Learn. And use that insight to lead better. Not softer. Better.
Because the goal isn’t to relate, it’s to understand.
And when someone feels genuinely understood? They give you their best.
Want Some Help? Start here.
If you’re ready to lead with more clarity, confidence, and connection—here are three ways to go deeper:
1. Want to understand your natural leadership style?
Take the What’s Your Leadership Type? Assessment to discover how you show up as a leader, and how to build trust without changing who you are.
👉 Take the free assessment here
2. Need a framework for leading people who aren’t like you?
Ally Leadership: How to Lead People Who Are Not Like You gives you the tools to lead across differences with skill, not guesswork.
3. Lead a business or team? Let’s work together.
If your organization is serious about building a culture of trust and performance, bring me in to speak. I lead high-impact sessions for executive teams, leadership offsites, and company events.
You’ve got this,
Stephanie
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