Most leaders have had this moment.
The meeting gets tense.
Someone says something that hits you the wrong way.
Your body reacts before you have fully processed what they said.
And suddenly you are not deciding how you want to respond. You are reacting.
That is where leadership gets interesting.
Because leadership is easy when everybody agrees with you.
What happens when they do not?
In Our Most Recent Episode of Not Like Me...
I sat down with Annie Lalla, a philosopher and conflict resolution expert known for her work around “The Art of Fighting.”
And we talked about something I do not think leaders spend enough time thinking about:
What happens to you when conflict enters the room?
Not just what you say.
Not just how the other person responds.
What happens in you.
Because sometimes the intensity of our reaction has very little to do with the conversation in front of us.
And if you do not recognize what is happening, that reaction can start leading the conversation for you.
Conflict Is Information
We tend to treat conflict as evidence that something has gone wrong.
But disagreement can tell you a lot.
It can show you where expectations are unclear.
It can expose something nobody has been willing to say.
It can reveal where trust is strong and where it is not.
And it can teach you something about yourself.
Because your job as a leader is not to eliminate every uncomfortable reaction.
It is to recognize what is happening early enough that you can choose what you do next.
The question is not:
“How do I eliminate conflict?”
A better question is:
“How do I become the kind of leader who can handle disagreement without making the room less safe?”
Put A.L.L.Y. to Work This Week
Knowing what happens when you get triggered is useful.
Knowing what to do with that information is leadership.
So this week, think about one conversation you know you need to have.
Not five. Just one.
Then run it through A.L.L.Y.: Ask, Listen, Learn, You taking action.
Ask. What is actually happening here?
Before you respond, get curious.
What are you reacting to? What assumptions are you making? What might you be missing?
And ask yourself one more question:
Am I responding to what is happening right now, or to what this situation is bringing up in me?
Listen. Pay attention to more than their words.
Listen to the other person, but pay attention to yourself too.
What happens when the tension rises?
Maybe you start interrupting. Maybe you shut down. Maybe you stop listening and start preparing your defense.
Learn to catch it early.
Because once your only goal is to win the argument, you are probably not doing much listening.
Learn. Take the accusation out without taking the truth out.
Before you say the thing you really want to say, look at it.
Is there blame in it? Judgment? An assumption about the other person’s intentions?
Strip that away.
You can be direct without being demeaning.
You can hold someone accountable without making them smaller.
The goal is not to make the conversation easier.
The goal is to make the truth easier to hear.
You taking action. Have the conversation.
This is the part we cannot skip.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment.
Have the conversation.
Say what needs to be said. Listen to what needs to be heard. And remember that disagreement does not have to damage the relationship.
Before you walk into that conversation, ask yourself:
What do I need to manage in myself so I can lead this conversation well?
You cannot regulate the entire room.
But you can start with you.
And if you want to go deeper, Annie and I get into what happens when conflict triggers something bigger than the conversation in front of you, and what you can do about it.
Listen to the full conversation with Annie Lalla here →
Want to keep putting this into practice?
Handling conflict well is one part of becoming a stronger leader. The Modern Leader’s Toolkit gives you five practical disciplines to help you understand how your leadership lands, communicate with more intention, build trust, and become someone people can count on.
Download the free Modern Leader’s Toolkit and start putting the five disciplines to work →
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