Hey Leader,
You’ve probably asked this question at least once in your career.
A project goes sideways. A client walks. A decision you made turns out to have a gap no one flagged.
Then you find out people saw it coming.
Someone noticed the risk. Someone had doubts about the timeline. Someone knew the client was unhappy.
So you ask, “Why didn’t anyone say something?”
Here is the uncomfortable answer:
Someone probably did. Once. And they learned not to do it again.
Before We Go Further
This week, I’ve been spending time with people on the other side of that moment.
I’m hosting a free challenge called Own the Moment inside my Be That Girl Network. It’s for women who know what they want to say at work but hesitate because of how it went the last time they said it.
Tomorrow, Thursday, October 29, at 1:00 PM Central (2:00 PM Eastern), I’m going LIVE to work through real situations those women are facing right now.
Ladies, you’re welcome to join even if you haven’t done any of the challenge activities.
Leaders, if there’s a woman on your team you’d like to hear more from, send this to her. It might be the most useful thing you do after reading this.
Now, back to that question.
Silence Is Usually Learned
Most silence on a team isn’t a personality trait. It’s a lesson.
Picture a planning meeting. The plan is mostly set, and the energy in the room is good.
Someone on your team says, “I’m worried we’re underestimating how long the integration will take.”
You don’t mean anything by it, but you sigh. Or glance at the clock. Or say, “Let’s not get into the weeds right now. Take it offline.”
The meeting moves on.
To you, that was ten seconds. To her, it was information.
She learned that raising a risk slows things down, and slowing things down isn’t welcome here. Everyone else in the room learned it too.
Three months later, the integration is six weeks late, and you’re asking why nobody said anything.
Your team isn’t only listening to what you say. They’re watching what happens to the people who speak.
You Don’t See What Silence Costs You
That is what makes this so expensive.
When someone pushes back, you see it. When someone holds back, you see nothing at all.
You don’t see the concern that never got raised. The better idea that stayed in someone’s notebook. The problem that got discussed in the parking lot instead of the conference room.
You only see the result, usually after it’s too late to fix cheaply.
And the people most likely to go quiet are often the ones paying the closest attention. They read the room carefully because they’ve learned they have to.
Four Ways to Get People Talking Again
1. Watch your first reaction.
Your team decides whether it’s safe to speak up from your face before they hear your words.
The sigh. The “we’ve already decided.” Even a quick “good point, moving on.” Each one sends a message.
Notice what you do in the first three seconds after someone disagrees with you.
2. Thank the concern, not just the idea.
Most leaders are good at thanking people for ideas they like. Fewer thank people for raising problems.
“I’m glad you raised that. I’d rather hear it now than three months from now.”
That one sentence tells the whole room that bad news is welcome.
3. Ask for the risk before you decide.
Don’t wait for someone to volunteer an objection. Make it part of how you make decisions.
“What would make this fail?” “Who sees this differently?”
When you ask for disagreement directly, no one has to take the risk of offering it on their own.
4. Close the loop.
When someone raises a concern, tell them what happened with it, even if the answer is, “We considered it, and here’s why we’re moving ahead anyway.”
People stop speaking up when their input seems to disappear. Closing the loop shows them it didn’t.
Your Leadership Challenge This Week
Before your next team meeting, write down your answers to these three questions:
When was the last time someone on my team disagreed with me in a meeting?
How did I respond in the moment?
Who used to speak up more than they do now?
Then, in that meeting, ask one direct question that invites disagreement, like “What are we missing?” or “What would make this fail?”
When someone answers, thank them before you respond to what they said.
Do this before you ever have to ask why nobody said anything. Trust comes back the same way it left: one meeting at a time.
If You’re the One Who Stopped Speaking Up
This last part is for the women reading this.
If you recognized yourself here, you’re not imagining it. Holding back after a bad reaction made sense at the time.
But one leader’s sigh in one meeting years ago doesn’t get to decide what you say in every room after that.
That’s what we’re talking about tomorrow. Bring a situation you’re facing right now, or just come and listen.
Leaders, when was the last time someone on your team told you something you didn’t want to hear, and how did you respond? Tell me in the comments.
Your Ally,
Stephanie